The questions and statements I find myself saying over and over on a daily basis :
-I wonder how things could have been
-What if?
And
-Does she ever think about me, even for a minute?
All rhetorical. All irrelevant.
We don't talk anymore. I can't even say we are friends. But i guess it's what she wants and I don't really have a say in the matter.
I miss how we would talk about anything and everything. I miss her quick witted remarks. I miss her smile. Her laugh.
I would give anything to turn back the hands of time. But I can't. She will always be my unicorn. That magical mystical beautiful creature I can't capture and call my own.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sleep/dreams part 1
I have been trying to read more on sleep and dreaming. The whole process is so interesting to me.
I read only 15 % of adults are able to easily remember what happens in their dreams. Some people think they don't dream, but they do, their dreams were just not vivid enough for them to remember. Waking up with big motions, or waking up and thinking too much, like how to go about your day can distort your memory of your sleep.
The dreams I remember usually deal with memories. So it's not really hard to forget. I go to sleep thinking about it. I usually have some memory of it while I sleep. And I wake up thinking about it. I guess I force myself to dream about it. Probably can't consider it a dream. More of a premeditated dream.
The movie Inception was intriguing to me. The "falling feeling" thing made a lot of sense. You have that feeling of plunging to your death wakes you up. Or that near death part of a dream or nightmare. That sudden jerk that makes your body jump out of bed and you're grasping for air as if it were your last. The rush of adrenaline out of no where. Crazy how the mind can cause such knee jerk reactions when you are in the dead of sleep. Myths about dying in your sleep because you had a dream of you dying were busted. Study show many have had dreams of their own deaths and live to tell about it.
Ever stare at the person laying next to you in bed? I have a bad habit of watching them while they sleep. The calmness of their breath. How you can see their soft bevel of their eyes move under their eyelids. The most vivid part or their dreams is when you can see it move rapidly. Happens for maybe a few seconds to a few minutes at a time. Study show it happens every hour and a half or so. The last REM (rapid eye movement) could last up to 45 mins.
I'm reading more on how medication can influence your dreams and other types of dreams. Like lucid dreams where you're kind of awake but sleeping, semi sleeping in a dream.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I read only 15 % of adults are able to easily remember what happens in their dreams. Some people think they don't dream, but they do, their dreams were just not vivid enough for them to remember. Waking up with big motions, or waking up and thinking too much, like how to go about your day can distort your memory of your sleep.
The dreams I remember usually deal with memories. So it's not really hard to forget. I go to sleep thinking about it. I usually have some memory of it while I sleep. And I wake up thinking about it. I guess I force myself to dream about it. Probably can't consider it a dream. More of a premeditated dream.
The movie Inception was intriguing to me. The "falling feeling" thing made a lot of sense. You have that feeling of plunging to your death wakes you up. Or that near death part of a dream or nightmare. That sudden jerk that makes your body jump out of bed and you're grasping for air as if it were your last. The rush of adrenaline out of no where. Crazy how the mind can cause such knee jerk reactions when you are in the dead of sleep. Myths about dying in your sleep because you had a dream of you dying were busted. Study show many have had dreams of their own deaths and live to tell about it.
Ever stare at the person laying next to you in bed? I have a bad habit of watching them while they sleep. The calmness of their breath. How you can see their soft bevel of their eyes move under their eyelids. The most vivid part or their dreams is when you can see it move rapidly. Happens for maybe a few seconds to a few minutes at a time. Study show it happens every hour and a half or so. The last REM (rapid eye movement) could last up to 45 mins.
I'm reading more on how medication can influence your dreams and other types of dreams. Like lucid dreams where you're kind of awake but sleeping, semi sleeping in a dream.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Sunday, March 20, 2011
The inevitable
So tonight was my boys Pat and David birthday party. I have been so sick this week I wasn't sure I was going to even go. I wanted to make it an effort to at least go and say happy birthday to them, as my boys, it was the least I could do.
Saw my ex of 4 years there. And to my surprise she had a date. It was bound to happen. She is a great, caring, loving person. Its not hard for someone to fall for those traits. I guess I wasn't so shocked at first, but as the night went on, it became more apparent I was the last to know.
I guess it would have been less of a shock if i knew, but i was totally clueless. Makes more sense now. I know the guy, and he was interacting more with her at bowling. Just thought i deserved more instead of being bind sided.
I hold no grudges. I am truly happy for her. She deserves it.... To be happy.
It was inevitable she would end up with someone else. After we were over, I wished and willed it to happen to her. I know how happy i was with her when it was working ... And that ... Should be shared with someone.
I had my chance with her, and reasons beyond my control, I couldn't keep her happy.
I wish her the best
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Saw my ex of 4 years there. And to my surprise she had a date. It was bound to happen. She is a great, caring, loving person. Its not hard for someone to fall for those traits. I guess I wasn't so shocked at first, but as the night went on, it became more apparent I was the last to know.
I guess it would have been less of a shock if i knew, but i was totally clueless. Makes more sense now. I know the guy, and he was interacting more with her at bowling. Just thought i deserved more instead of being bind sided.
I hold no grudges. I am truly happy for her. She deserves it.... To be happy.
It was inevitable she would end up with someone else. After we were over, I wished and willed it to happen to her. I know how happy i was with her when it was working ... And that ... Should be shared with someone.
I had my chance with her, and reasons beyond my control, I couldn't keep her happy.
I wish her the best
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Home Entertainment
Sorry, my life has lacked a bit lately, not much to write about. The nights where I don't bowl, I spend time usually watching TV shows or a movie here or there. Figured I write about some things that have kept me entertained the last couple of weeks. If you know me at all, you will know I am a big closet "romantic comedy" freak. Can't stop watching them, can't get enough of them.
I watched ... Love and Other Drugs .. a few weeks back, but found my self watching it again.
So many funny moments. Great cast. How far a guy would go to be with someone, through the good times and bad. Over looking the obstacles ( illness ) and still wants to be with her. *spoiler alert* there is a huge tear jerk moment .. I swear if every woman watched this movie, they will never ask or wonder why a guy will do what they do to be with her, wit her "baggage" or issues ... every woman would just be glad there is someone there so they don't have to go through the less happy things in life ... alone.
No Strings Attached
Great one-liners. Funny. Man's initial goal - a sex buddy .... But like the movie, in real life ... someone always brings in the emotion. Someone falls for the other, because at the end of the day, it is about making love. so feelings will get involved. it's the only way sex becomes passionate.
I picked up a few new TV shows to watch.
Being Human ( SyFy ) 8 episodes
Vampire and Werewolf are room mates, living in a house haunted by a ghost only they can see.
Breakout Kings ( A&E ) 1 episode
Use cons to catch cons who escaped from prison. One episode in .. interesting
The Defenders ( CBS? i think ) season finale this week
Vegas Lawyers, interesting cases, funny. Must watch.
The Cape ( NBC )
Comic book-like hero. Set up and thought to be dead. Sacrifices his life with his wife and child, so they stay safe and alive.
Fairly Legal ( USA )
To avoid long drawn court cases, Kate is a legal-mediator to settle out of court and for the best interests of both parties. Has issues with her deceased father's widow, who is the same age as herself.
Lights Out ( TNT )
Over the hill boxer does what he has to to keep his family afloat. Financially his family and business is in ruins. Started taking on fights again to make money
Other shows I've been watching for a while ... worth watching I promise
Vampire Diaries
True Blood
Bones
New Hawaii 5-0
Californication
I watched ... Love and Other Drugs .. a few weeks back, but found my self watching it again.
So many funny moments. Great cast. How far a guy would go to be with someone, through the good times and bad. Over looking the obstacles ( illness ) and still wants to be with her. *spoiler alert* there is a huge tear jerk moment .. I swear if every woman watched this movie, they will never ask or wonder why a guy will do what they do to be with her, wit her "baggage" or issues ... every woman would just be glad there is someone there so they don't have to go through the less happy things in life ... alone.
No Strings Attached
Great one-liners. Funny. Man's initial goal - a sex buddy .... But like the movie, in real life ... someone always brings in the emotion. Someone falls for the other, because at the end of the day, it is about making love. so feelings will get involved. it's the only way sex becomes passionate.
I picked up a few new TV shows to watch.
Being Human ( SyFy ) 8 episodes
Vampire and Werewolf are room mates, living in a house haunted by a ghost only they can see.
Breakout Kings ( A&E ) 1 episode
Use cons to catch cons who escaped from prison. One episode in .. interesting
The Defenders ( CBS? i think ) season finale this week
Vegas Lawyers, interesting cases, funny. Must watch.
The Cape ( NBC )
Comic book-like hero. Set up and thought to be dead. Sacrifices his life with his wife and child, so they stay safe and alive.
Fairly Legal ( USA )
To avoid long drawn court cases, Kate is a legal-mediator to settle out of court and for the best interests of both parties. Has issues with her deceased father's widow, who is the same age as herself.
Lights Out ( TNT )
Over the hill boxer does what he has to to keep his family afloat. Financially his family and business is in ruins. Started taking on fights again to make money
Other shows I've been watching for a while ... worth watching I promise
Vampire Diaries
True Blood
Bones
New Hawaii 5-0
Californication
Monday, February 28, 2011
The new chapter
When it was over, she said she felt wrong for still wanting me part of her life. I told her it would be hard for me since I don't see her as just a friend, but I said I would try. Now I find myself reaching out to her, and she doesn't respond. I don't know what I did to make her hate me to the point that she would totally ignore me. Maybe it's easier for her this way. I have always emphasized that I would never make her do anything she didn't want to, and I still won't and never will.
So I told her my good byes today. I told her I missed her, I still think about her. If she is happier this way, then it's what I have to do. It hurts. It sucks. But I want her to be happy.
When we started this, I knew what sacrifices I was making. I knew what it meant for her. I knew that there would be no turning back. We were friends for so long, and lovers so quick ....I never thought about what I was losing at the moment, all I saw was what I had to gain.... happiness. I never figured in what I would be losing, when it ended. It was going so well I never had to think about it. But I lost something I thought I would never lose ... my friend.
So today I am attempting to begin the new chapter of my life. I wish I had a better ending to the last chapter, but it's a bit open ended, and maybe I can go back and finish it later. For now, I will try to move on. Don't think I will be trying to find another relationship. My heart is not in it for now. I'm still grieving. She use to tell me she missed me, she was always thinking of me. I told her that every time she left my side, she took my heart with her, and I only hoped she brought it back with her the next time I saw her. She left .... but my heart is still with her.
So many things remind me of her, it will take more time getting use to it.
I may have said good bye, but I will always be here if she needs me.
So I told her my good byes today. I told her I missed her, I still think about her. If she is happier this way, then it's what I have to do. It hurts. It sucks. But I want her to be happy.
When we started this, I knew what sacrifices I was making. I knew what it meant for her. I knew that there would be no turning back. We were friends for so long, and lovers so quick ....I never thought about what I was losing at the moment, all I saw was what I had to gain.... happiness. I never figured in what I would be losing, when it ended. It was going so well I never had to think about it. But I lost something I thought I would never lose ... my friend.
So today I am attempting to begin the new chapter of my life. I wish I had a better ending to the last chapter, but it's a bit open ended, and maybe I can go back and finish it later. For now, I will try to move on. Don't think I will be trying to find another relationship. My heart is not in it for now. I'm still grieving. She use to tell me she missed me, she was always thinking of me. I told her that every time she left my side, she took my heart with her, and I only hoped she brought it back with her the next time I saw her. She left .... but my heart is still with her.
So many things remind me of her, it will take more time getting use to it.
I may have said good bye, but I will always be here if she needs me.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
choices
Choices.
As much as we believe that our lives are limited, our options are limited, its not what choices we have to deal with, its how we deal with the choices or make the best of the options we have.
You can choose to be alone or choose to open your heart up to allow someone to love it. You can choose to live happy or let the little things or people that don't matter in your life effect you.
Most people don't realize what is out there for them because all they see is what's in their peripheral vision. If the narrow tunnel vision is what you give yourself to explore life, explore happiness, to experience all that life has all to offer. Then of course everything will seem filtered and bottled necked. If you can span left to right then right to left. That's what life has to offer ......
Everything !
As much as we believe that our lives are limited, our options are limited, its not what choices we have to deal with, its how we deal with the choices or make the best of the options we have.
You can choose to be alone or choose to open your heart up to allow someone to love it. You can choose to live happy or let the little things or people that don't matter in your life effect you.
Most people don't realize what is out there for them because all they see is what's in their peripheral vision. If the narrow tunnel vision is what you give yourself to explore life, explore happiness, to experience all that life has all to offer. Then of course everything will seem filtered and bottled necked. If you can span left to right then right to left. That's what life has to offer ......
Everything !
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Tuesday, February 22, 2011
torture .... hope
Hasn't been my best week.
10 months + with no symptoms of my Carpal tunnel. And I lost her .... again.
The Carpal tunnel I can deal with. A burden, discomfort, minor pain. The emptiness, the loss, the future that will never be .... she took that from me, and I will never know how this story could have ended. The pain of never knowing, always wondering, and still having hope .... that I don't know how much I could endure.
Anyone else find it funny, that in the midst of pain and sorrow, we tend to torture ourselves more? Sure your friends always say "snap out of it" or "forget and it and go have fun". As if it was that easy. Losing someone you care so deeply for. Whether it be in a relationship or death. There is always a period to mourn.
When you lose someone to death. If they were that significant to you, a part of you dies with them. How dare they leave you with only memories? But ..... thank god they shared so many good times with you before they passed. We all mourn in different ways when it comes to death. And it seems we all mourn our own ways when a relationship dies. Because as much as we want to deny it. When you care for someone, and the relationship ends ... part of your heart died with it.
Growing up I was around a lot of death ... funerals. My father brought me to church on Saturdays and I was usually the only altar boy for the funerals. So dealing with death and loss is a bit easy for me.
Mourning relationships on the other hand, I tend to have a rough time with. Music .... everything reminds me of her. Looking at the side of the bed she laid on when we use to hold each other, talk, kiss and enjoy our nights together ... The only picture I have of us together is of one we were kissing. And I had it close by to look at it to fall asleep. And to wake up to. Remind me how lucky I was everyday. And to wake up with purpose..... I just took it down last night. Yes. I torture myself. It's how I cope.
Almost after 4 years, of giving what you could. To hear " I don't think I can learn to love you again " could be heart breaking. But in a relationship that was already down and done, it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. It was enough closure for me to know I need to move on in order to be happy.
Recently... and this runs through my head about 100 times a day ... after going through up and downs, fighting so hard to get her ... finally deciding to be together. Thinking everything was ok. I heard the line that ripped my heart into pieces. " I am done. The feelings I thought I had for you left as fast as they came".
How do I respond to life with that? I knew I was happy, I thought she was.
I didn't try to change her mind. I didn't try to talk her out of it. I did what I could to be happy with her and to make her happy to be with me. So I thought. I was done fighting for it. I was battered and bruised to get what I wanted. I had it. And when it came back to fighting for it again.... I couldn't do it.
Not because I didn't want it. There is still nothing I want more. I just knew what she has to deal with, what she needs to do, what she needs to accomplish in order for her to be happy.
It was always about her being happy. Wished it would have been with me. But in the end... her smiling, her happiness, with or without me ... is all that matters.
10 months + with no symptoms of my Carpal tunnel. And I lost her .... again.
The Carpal tunnel I can deal with. A burden, discomfort, minor pain. The emptiness, the loss, the future that will never be .... she took that from me, and I will never know how this story could have ended. The pain of never knowing, always wondering, and still having hope .... that I don't know how much I could endure.
Anyone else find it funny, that in the midst of pain and sorrow, we tend to torture ourselves more? Sure your friends always say "snap out of it" or "forget and it and go have fun". As if it was that easy. Losing someone you care so deeply for. Whether it be in a relationship or death. There is always a period to mourn.
When you lose someone to death. If they were that significant to you, a part of you dies with them. How dare they leave you with only memories? But ..... thank god they shared so many good times with you before they passed. We all mourn in different ways when it comes to death. And it seems we all mourn our own ways when a relationship dies. Because as much as we want to deny it. When you care for someone, and the relationship ends ... part of your heart died with it.
Growing up I was around a lot of death ... funerals. My father brought me to church on Saturdays and I was usually the only altar boy for the funerals. So dealing with death and loss is a bit easy for me.
Mourning relationships on the other hand, I tend to have a rough time with. Music .... everything reminds me of her. Looking at the side of the bed she laid on when we use to hold each other, talk, kiss and enjoy our nights together ... The only picture I have of us together is of one we were kissing. And I had it close by to look at it to fall asleep. And to wake up to. Remind me how lucky I was everyday. And to wake up with purpose..... I just took it down last night. Yes. I torture myself. It's how I cope.
Almost after 4 years, of giving what you could. To hear " I don't think I can learn to love you again " could be heart breaking. But in a relationship that was already down and done, it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. It was enough closure for me to know I need to move on in order to be happy.
Recently... and this runs through my head about 100 times a day ... after going through up and downs, fighting so hard to get her ... finally deciding to be together. Thinking everything was ok. I heard the line that ripped my heart into pieces. " I am done. The feelings I thought I had for you left as fast as they came".
How do I respond to life with that? I knew I was happy, I thought she was.
I didn't try to change her mind. I didn't try to talk her out of it. I did what I could to be happy with her and to make her happy to be with me. So I thought. I was done fighting for it. I was battered and bruised to get what I wanted. I had it. And when it came back to fighting for it again.... I couldn't do it.
Not because I didn't want it. There is still nothing I want more. I just knew what she has to deal with, what she needs to do, what she needs to accomplish in order for her to be happy.
It was always about her being happy. Wished it would have been with me. But in the end... her smiling, her happiness, with or without me ... is all that matters.
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