When it was over, she said she felt wrong for still wanting me part of her life. I told her it would be hard for me since I don't see her as just a friend, but I said I would try. Now I find myself reaching out to her, and she doesn't respond. I don't know what I did to make her hate me to the point that she would totally ignore me. Maybe it's easier for her this way. I have always emphasized that I would never make her do anything she didn't want to, and I still won't and never will.
So I told her my good byes today. I told her I missed her, I still think about her. If she is happier this way, then it's what I have to do. It hurts. It sucks. But I want her to be happy.
When we started this, I knew what sacrifices I was making. I knew what it meant for her. I knew that there would be no turning back. We were friends for so long, and lovers so quick ....I never thought about what I was losing at the moment, all I saw was what I had to gain.... happiness. I never figured in what I would be losing, when it ended. It was going so well I never had to think about it. But I lost something I thought I would never lose ... my friend.
So today I am attempting to begin the new chapter of my life. I wish I had a better ending to the last chapter, but it's a bit open ended, and maybe I can go back and finish it later. For now, I will try to move on. Don't think I will be trying to find another relationship. My heart is not in it for now. I'm still grieving. She use to tell me she missed me, she was always thinking of me. I told her that every time she left my side, she took my heart with her, and I only hoped she brought it back with her the next time I saw her. She left .... but my heart is still with her.
So many things remind me of her, it will take more time getting use to it.
I may have said good bye, but I will always be here if she needs me.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
choices
Choices.
As much as we believe that our lives are limited, our options are limited, its not what choices we have to deal with, its how we deal with the choices or make the best of the options we have.
You can choose to be alone or choose to open your heart up to allow someone to love it. You can choose to live happy or let the little things or people that don't matter in your life effect you.
Most people don't realize what is out there for them because all they see is what's in their peripheral vision. If the narrow tunnel vision is what you give yourself to explore life, explore happiness, to experience all that life has all to offer. Then of course everything will seem filtered and bottled necked. If you can span left to right then right to left. That's what life has to offer ......
Everything !
As much as we believe that our lives are limited, our options are limited, its not what choices we have to deal with, its how we deal with the choices or make the best of the options we have.
You can choose to be alone or choose to open your heart up to allow someone to love it. You can choose to live happy or let the little things or people that don't matter in your life effect you.
Most people don't realize what is out there for them because all they see is what's in their peripheral vision. If the narrow tunnel vision is what you give yourself to explore life, explore happiness, to experience all that life has all to offer. Then of course everything will seem filtered and bottled necked. If you can span left to right then right to left. That's what life has to offer ......
Everything !
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Tuesday, February 22, 2011
torture .... hope
Hasn't been my best week.
10 months + with no symptoms of my Carpal tunnel. And I lost her .... again.
The Carpal tunnel I can deal with. A burden, discomfort, minor pain. The emptiness, the loss, the future that will never be .... she took that from me, and I will never know how this story could have ended. The pain of never knowing, always wondering, and still having hope .... that I don't know how much I could endure.
Anyone else find it funny, that in the midst of pain and sorrow, we tend to torture ourselves more? Sure your friends always say "snap out of it" or "forget and it and go have fun". As if it was that easy. Losing someone you care so deeply for. Whether it be in a relationship or death. There is always a period to mourn.
When you lose someone to death. If they were that significant to you, a part of you dies with them. How dare they leave you with only memories? But ..... thank god they shared so many good times with you before they passed. We all mourn in different ways when it comes to death. And it seems we all mourn our own ways when a relationship dies. Because as much as we want to deny it. When you care for someone, and the relationship ends ... part of your heart died with it.
Growing up I was around a lot of death ... funerals. My father brought me to church on Saturdays and I was usually the only altar boy for the funerals. So dealing with death and loss is a bit easy for me.
Mourning relationships on the other hand, I tend to have a rough time with. Music .... everything reminds me of her. Looking at the side of the bed she laid on when we use to hold each other, talk, kiss and enjoy our nights together ... The only picture I have of us together is of one we were kissing. And I had it close by to look at it to fall asleep. And to wake up to. Remind me how lucky I was everyday. And to wake up with purpose..... I just took it down last night. Yes. I torture myself. It's how I cope.
Almost after 4 years, of giving what you could. To hear " I don't think I can learn to love you again " could be heart breaking. But in a relationship that was already down and done, it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. It was enough closure for me to know I need to move on in order to be happy.
Recently... and this runs through my head about 100 times a day ... after going through up and downs, fighting so hard to get her ... finally deciding to be together. Thinking everything was ok. I heard the line that ripped my heart into pieces. " I am done. The feelings I thought I had for you left as fast as they came".
How do I respond to life with that? I knew I was happy, I thought she was.
I didn't try to change her mind. I didn't try to talk her out of it. I did what I could to be happy with her and to make her happy to be with me. So I thought. I was done fighting for it. I was battered and bruised to get what I wanted. I had it. And when it came back to fighting for it again.... I couldn't do it.
Not because I didn't want it. There is still nothing I want more. I just knew what she has to deal with, what she needs to do, what she needs to accomplish in order for her to be happy.
It was always about her being happy. Wished it would have been with me. But in the end... her smiling, her happiness, with or without me ... is all that matters.
10 months + with no symptoms of my Carpal tunnel. And I lost her .... again.
The Carpal tunnel I can deal with. A burden, discomfort, minor pain. The emptiness, the loss, the future that will never be .... she took that from me, and I will never know how this story could have ended. The pain of never knowing, always wondering, and still having hope .... that I don't know how much I could endure.
Anyone else find it funny, that in the midst of pain and sorrow, we tend to torture ourselves more? Sure your friends always say "snap out of it" or "forget and it and go have fun". As if it was that easy. Losing someone you care so deeply for. Whether it be in a relationship or death. There is always a period to mourn.
When you lose someone to death. If they were that significant to you, a part of you dies with them. How dare they leave you with only memories? But ..... thank god they shared so many good times with you before they passed. We all mourn in different ways when it comes to death. And it seems we all mourn our own ways when a relationship dies. Because as much as we want to deny it. When you care for someone, and the relationship ends ... part of your heart died with it.
Growing up I was around a lot of death ... funerals. My father brought me to church on Saturdays and I was usually the only altar boy for the funerals. So dealing with death and loss is a bit easy for me.
Mourning relationships on the other hand, I tend to have a rough time with. Music .... everything reminds me of her. Looking at the side of the bed she laid on when we use to hold each other, talk, kiss and enjoy our nights together ... The only picture I have of us together is of one we were kissing. And I had it close by to look at it to fall asleep. And to wake up to. Remind me how lucky I was everyday. And to wake up with purpose..... I just took it down last night. Yes. I torture myself. It's how I cope.
Almost after 4 years, of giving what you could. To hear " I don't think I can learn to love you again " could be heart breaking. But in a relationship that was already down and done, it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. It was enough closure for me to know I need to move on in order to be happy.
Recently... and this runs through my head about 100 times a day ... after going through up and downs, fighting so hard to get her ... finally deciding to be together. Thinking everything was ok. I heard the line that ripped my heart into pieces. " I am done. The feelings I thought I had for you left as fast as they came".
How do I respond to life with that? I knew I was happy, I thought she was.
I didn't try to change her mind. I didn't try to talk her out of it. I did what I could to be happy with her and to make her happy to be with me. So I thought. I was done fighting for it. I was battered and bruised to get what I wanted. I had it. And when it came back to fighting for it again.... I couldn't do it.
Not because I didn't want it. There is still nothing I want more. I just knew what she has to deal with, what she needs to do, what she needs to accomplish in order for her to be happy.
It was always about her being happy. Wished it would have been with me. But in the end... her smiling, her happiness, with or without me ... is all that matters.
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Friday, February 11, 2011
a good fit
For the first time in a very long time. I am truly truly happy. And its all because of her.
She is amazing. She makes me smile with absolutely no effort. She has these warm inviting eyes. You could see some pain and fear inside her eyes at first. But that has totally faded into a look that melts your heart. I've found myself lost just staring into them.
She has this touch. It's hard to explain. But its soft, and gentle and honest. Not like she is trying to, but its how she feels, thru the gentle motion of her hands or fingers brushing my cheek, or the top of my freshly shaved head. Or how she plays with my hands and fingers with hers.
As crazy as it may seem for such a short time .. but I know what kind of future is in store for me with her .... and I can't wait for it to happen.
I told her we are like a puzzle with 2 pieces. It's not hard to figure out how we fit. And we just do ..... fit.
She is amazing. She makes me smile with absolutely no effort. She has these warm inviting eyes. You could see some pain and fear inside her eyes at first. But that has totally faded into a look that melts your heart. I've found myself lost just staring into them.
She has this touch. It's hard to explain. But its soft, and gentle and honest. Not like she is trying to, but its how she feels, thru the gentle motion of her hands or fingers brushing my cheek, or the top of my freshly shaved head. Or how she plays with my hands and fingers with hers.
As crazy as it may seem for such a short time .. but I know what kind of future is in store for me with her .... and I can't wait for it to happen.
I told her we are like a puzzle with 2 pieces. It's not hard to figure out how we fit. And we just do ..... fit.
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Monday, February 7, 2011
slacking / new journey
Sorry that I've been slacking on posting here, but the reason that I started to blog was to fill the emptiness from talking to someone special. But we've been talking and its been great.
I wake up and the first thing I check is if she left me a message. She says the same. We can talk about anything. Which I love. We find out the little things about each other so we get more acquainted fast. Where it takes months, years for 2 people to figure out each others nice, she.and I have accomplished it it minimal time. We talk about future. And we vent about the past. I remember a conversation about how we handle disagreements and we agreed never to go to bed angry or have issues unresolved. Both of us are like that and it will have to get some getting use to because we both came from relationships where we wanted to resolve something but the other wanted to close up.
We agree on a lot of things. We rarely disagree on anything. We share perspectives and can appreciate each others points of view.
Have I found my soul mate? I don't know. It's way too soon to tell. I know she makes me happy and she says I do the same to her.
So the journey begins. Where we find out if we are ... and I know I will enjoy every second, every minute.... trying to find out.
I wake up and the first thing I check is if she left me a message. She says the same. We can talk about anything. Which I love. We find out the little things about each other so we get more acquainted fast. Where it takes months, years for 2 people to figure out each others nice, she.and I have accomplished it it minimal time. We talk about future. And we vent about the past. I remember a conversation about how we handle disagreements and we agreed never to go to bed angry or have issues unresolved. Both of us are like that and it will have to get some getting use to because we both came from relationships where we wanted to resolve something but the other wanted to close up.
We agree on a lot of things. We rarely disagree on anything. We share perspectives and can appreciate each others points of view.
Have I found my soul mate? I don't know. It's way too soon to tell. I know she makes me happy and she says I do the same to her.
So the journey begins. Where we find out if we are ... and I know I will enjoy every second, every minute.... trying to find out.
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Thursday, February 3, 2011
music
Someone special once told me music is my life.
It's a big part of it, but not my whole life. I use music to relate feelings, mood and memories. I'm eclectic when it comes to music. I'll listen to almost anything.
When your in a bad mood, you can jam to something a little harder like linkin park, metallica, nirvana. If your in a good mood, maybe a little Jason Mraz, Joshua radin, Landon Pigg. A little heartbreak? Maybe some Brian mcknight will help you get through the day. The one genre of music that can change a mood is a little r&b .... soul.
Anyone has at least one song they relate to someone. The song comes on the radio or your mp3 player... then all those memories of that person come rushing through. The smiles, the laughs, the tears. Like visual flash cards, months ... years ... of memories run through your mind within 4 minutes.
Music creates memories. The first time you kiss someone, the first dance you had with them. The soundtrack during the movie where she grabbed your hand and held it for the first time. The first song you heard when she told you it was over. You can hear that song years later and like an instant day dream you remember everything about that moment. How clear the night was. What they were wearing. How their perfume tickled your nose. Or how dark everything seemed to get, the sweat in your palms, that feeling of your heart dropping to the floor.
I can appreciate how general music can be, but if you're like me, you listen to the lyrics to see if it does mean something to you. Since the Apple update where you can make playlist on the fly on your ipod was the best idea they ever had. I have a playlist I add songs to everytime I hear something I want to play on guitar. Or that playlist named <3 that you add songs to that remind you of her.
It's pretty rare to find a song that completely describes your moods of thoughts at the time. You might like a chorus, a hook. But lyrics for part of a song or the whole song sometimes brings things into full perspective.
Right now .... bruno mars
You know Ill be waiting on the other side, and you just have to cross that line. I could wait a whole life time. But you just got to decide
It's a big part of it, but not my whole life. I use music to relate feelings, mood and memories. I'm eclectic when it comes to music. I'll listen to almost anything.
When your in a bad mood, you can jam to something a little harder like linkin park, metallica, nirvana. If your in a good mood, maybe a little Jason Mraz, Joshua radin, Landon Pigg. A little heartbreak? Maybe some Brian mcknight will help you get through the day. The one genre of music that can change a mood is a little r&b .... soul.
Anyone has at least one song they relate to someone. The song comes on the radio or your mp3 player... then all those memories of that person come rushing through. The smiles, the laughs, the tears. Like visual flash cards, months ... years ... of memories run through your mind within 4 minutes.
Music creates memories. The first time you kiss someone, the first dance you had with them. The soundtrack during the movie where she grabbed your hand and held it for the first time. The first song you heard when she told you it was over. You can hear that song years later and like an instant day dream you remember everything about that moment. How clear the night was. What they were wearing. How their perfume tickled your nose. Or how dark everything seemed to get, the sweat in your palms, that feeling of your heart dropping to the floor.
I can appreciate how general music can be, but if you're like me, you listen to the lyrics to see if it does mean something to you. Since the Apple update where you can make playlist on the fly on your ipod was the best idea they ever had. I have a playlist I add songs to everytime I hear something I want to play on guitar. Or that playlist named <3 that you add songs to that remind you of her.
It's pretty rare to find a song that completely describes your moods of thoughts at the time. You might like a chorus, a hook. But lyrics for part of a song or the whole song sometimes brings things into full perspective.
Right now .... bruno mars
You know Ill be waiting on the other side, and you just have to cross that line. I could wait a whole life time. But you just got to decide
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Tuesday, February 1, 2011
defining myself part 2
Everyone has moments in their lives that define who they are. Points in their lives that determine what kind of human being they become.
I've had many that have contributed to who I am.
I had an uncle who was cheated on, emotionally battered and bruised. He went through rough patches after his divorce but became a better man because of it. I can remember him constantly regretting the life he should have had with his 2 kids, but never did it deter him from wanting more for his kids. He was the best father he was allowed to be.
I learned from him, no matter what happens, good or most of the time bad, that there is always an upside. And just because you are limited, it doesn't mean that you just do enough. You try to do more, even if you can't.
Growing up, my parents would help relatives less fortunate. Help them get on their feet as we all had this new journey in America. So I had uncles and cousins living with us. My favorite uncle, my dad's cousin, lived with us for awhile. The same time my cousin, my mom's niece. And as fate would have it they fell in love. I saw how their love blossomed. I remember how he would do anything for her. One night she became ill. Probably the worst stomach ache I had ever seen someone endure. He tried all sorts of remedies. The effort he put forth just to comfort her. I didn't understand why he did so much just for a stomach ache, but the day of their wedding, it all came full circle.
It may have just been a stomach ache, but you do what you can and all that you can for the one you love. The sweat and tears you sacrifice for that special someone is not effort, but a duty that should never be waited for. You just do it because its right, and right from the heart.
I grew up within an ethnic culture. It may have occurred more outside of my home, but I rarely saw my father or uncles or cousins disrespect women. My father loves my mother. Sure, there were times she was belligerent to what was right, or was too outspoken not knowing there were different ways to handling certain things. But he never once disrespected her. Physically or emotionally. My father showed patience and understanding and I know he swallowed his pride, bit his tongue even though he was right. Maybe to not hurt her feelings or maybe he knew that sometimes its just best not to say anything at certain times.
I can only try to be half as patient as my father. As much as you know you are right, you still pick your battles. If its just a simple argument. A discussion. It never has to be blown up to something that can be avoided.
I've had many that have contributed to who I am.
I had an uncle who was cheated on, emotionally battered and bruised. He went through rough patches after his divorce but became a better man because of it. I can remember him constantly regretting the life he should have had with his 2 kids, but never did it deter him from wanting more for his kids. He was the best father he was allowed to be.
I learned from him, no matter what happens, good or most of the time bad, that there is always an upside. And just because you are limited, it doesn't mean that you just do enough. You try to do more, even if you can't.
Growing up, my parents would help relatives less fortunate. Help them get on their feet as we all had this new journey in America. So I had uncles and cousins living with us. My favorite uncle, my dad's cousin, lived with us for awhile. The same time my cousin, my mom's niece. And as fate would have it they fell in love. I saw how their love blossomed. I remember how he would do anything for her. One night she became ill. Probably the worst stomach ache I had ever seen someone endure. He tried all sorts of remedies. The effort he put forth just to comfort her. I didn't understand why he did so much just for a stomach ache, but the day of their wedding, it all came full circle.
It may have just been a stomach ache, but you do what you can and all that you can for the one you love. The sweat and tears you sacrifice for that special someone is not effort, but a duty that should never be waited for. You just do it because its right, and right from the heart.
I grew up within an ethnic culture. It may have occurred more outside of my home, but I rarely saw my father or uncles or cousins disrespect women. My father loves my mother. Sure, there were times she was belligerent to what was right, or was too outspoken not knowing there were different ways to handling certain things. But he never once disrespected her. Physically or emotionally. My father showed patience and understanding and I know he swallowed his pride, bit his tongue even though he was right. Maybe to not hurt her feelings or maybe he knew that sometimes its just best not to say anything at certain times.
I can only try to be half as patient as my father. As much as you know you are right, you still pick your battles. If its just a simple argument. A discussion. It never has to be blown up to something that can be avoided.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6
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