10 months + with no symptoms of my Carpal tunnel. And I lost her .... again.
The Carpal tunnel I can deal with. A burden, discomfort, minor pain. The emptiness, the loss, the future that will never be .... she took that from me, and I will never know how this story could have ended. The pain of never knowing, always wondering, and still having hope .... that I don't know how much I could endure.
Anyone else find it funny, that in the midst of pain and sorrow, we tend to torture ourselves more? Sure your friends always say "snap out of it" or "forget and it and go have fun". As if it was that easy. Losing someone you care so deeply for. Whether it be in a relationship or death. There is always a period to mourn.
When you lose someone to death. If they were that significant to you, a part of you dies with them. How dare they leave you with only memories? But ..... thank god they shared so many good times with you before they passed. We all mourn in different ways when it comes to death. And it seems we all mourn our own ways when a relationship dies. Because as much as we want to deny it. When you care for someone, and the relationship ends ... part of your heart died with it.
Growing up I was around a lot of death ... funerals. My father brought me to church on Saturdays and I was usually the only altar boy for the funerals. So dealing with death and loss is a bit easy for me.
Mourning relationships on the other hand, I tend to have a rough time with. Music .... everything reminds me of her. Looking at the side of the bed she laid on when we use to hold each other, talk, kiss and enjoy our nights together ... The only picture I have of us together is of one we were kissing. And I had it close by to look at it to fall asleep. And to wake up to. Remind me how lucky I was everyday. And to wake up with purpose..... I just took it down last night. Yes. I torture myself. It's how I cope.
Almost after 4 years, of giving what you could. To hear " I don't think I can learn to love you again " could be heart breaking. But in a relationship that was already down and done, it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. It was enough closure for me to know I need to move on in order to be happy.
Recently... and this runs through my head about 100 times a day ... after going through up and downs, fighting so hard to get her ... finally deciding to be together. Thinking everything was ok. I heard the line that ripped my heart into pieces. " I am done. The feelings I thought I had for you left as fast as they came".
How do I respond to life with that? I knew I was happy, I thought she was.
I didn't try to change her mind. I didn't try to talk her out of it. I did what I could to be happy with her and to make her happy to be with me. So I thought. I was done fighting for it. I was battered and bruised to get what I wanted. I had it. And when it came back to fighting for it again.... I couldn't do it.
Not because I didn't want it. There is still nothing I want more. I just knew what she has to deal with, what she needs to do, what she needs to accomplish in order for her to be happy.
It was always about her being happy. Wished it would have been with me. But in the end... her smiling, her happiness, with or without me ... is all that matters.
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